This is a post I wrote for another site in 2011 when I went to the first GYN and was told I didn’t have PCOS (obviously they were wrong…hindsight is a bitch, you know?). It’s one of my favorite posts and I thought it’d be fun to share with you.
Today was stirrups day. As some of you already know, I was diagnosed with PCOS, and that requires an official visit. My appointment was at 11:15 in the morning and I scurried in the office at 11:10. The receptionist was blathering on the phone to some idiot doctor who sounded like he didn’t know his liver from his ass, and didn’t even bother up to acknowledge that I was standing there.
What ever happened to good ole fashioned customer service?!
I finally interrupt with a loud, “Excuse me, my appointment’s at 11:15, is there anything I need to do?” She looked up startled and mouthed I needed to talk to her before telling the idiot on the phone, “No. Uh-huh. No, I can finish the call.”
Ugh. I gave her my best angry Black woman look before proceeding to huff and puff while she took her sweet time. Once I was checked in and placed into my room, a small Chinese woman who looked about my age walked in.
“Hi,” she said, extending her hand. “I’ll be in here with the doctor as he exams you.”
“Great,” I muttered. Another person in my pants. What fun.
She giggled. “Okay, why are you here today?”
I rolled my eyes. “Well, besides the huge hemorrhoids…” I paused when she gave an alarmed look and grinned. “Just kidding. Seriously, I’m fat, got tons of body hair and a shit ton of acne. I’m basically turning into a hormonal ape.”
She laughed again and stood up to leave. “Well, let me get the doctor and we’ll be right in with you.”
I nodded and started playing with the instruments lined up on the wall. Hell, for what I was paying for this visit, if I wanted to play Operation with one of the sickly in the next room over I should have been able to. My mother had warned me that the doctor looked like a “Peruvian Ray Romano”. When he walked in, I’ll be damned if she wasn’t right.
“Hi,” he said, shaking my hand. “So, you’ve got some problems with your periods?”
I gave him a pointed look. No need to go down hemorrhoid lane again. He ignored me and kept talking.
“Okay, well the good news is that all the symptoms that you’re experiencing are normal. Some times we want our body to be perfect and…they’re just not.” I nodded like a bobble head thing. Uh-huh, Uh-huh. Get to the point…
“You said you just recently got off the pill?”, he asked. “Why?”
I told him the pill had caused severe depression, but even worse, libido loss. “I just didn’t want to have sex!”
He grinned. “But then again, what woman does?” We both looked at each other and laughed. I was starting to like this doctor. He pulled on his gloves and told me to spread ‘em. The little Chinese intern was buzzing around, trying to get a good look.
“See any village people down there?” I asked and tried to look.
“Nope,” he said, moving over so the intern could look. “But my intern here paid me five dollars to let her do this!”
“What?” I exclaimed. I peered at her. “You didn’t even get a free meal for it!”
The doctor agreed. “Yeah, back in my day, they gave the women $100 to let doctors examine them.”
I sighed. “Well, this is just great. I’m ass up in stirrups, the intern didn’t get a free meal for it, and I don’t get anything.”
They both laughed.
“OUCH!” I almost came off the table. “That hurts!”
I’ll spare you the nitty gritty details, but it turns out I have some issues with certain lady parts (no, not an STD).
“You’re going to have to have physical therapy.” He said, taking off his gloves.
I frowned. “Wait, for my vag?“
He nodded. “Yep. But if it makes you feel any better, Thursday is free anal probing for all patients!”
I laughed again. This guy was the Peruvian Ray Romano! He gave me all the gory details about what me and my lower half had coming and then gave good news:
“You might not have PCOS. We’ll need lab work to confirm, but you don’t have all the symptoms.”
I must have looked like I could have jumped out of the stir ups and kissed him because he took a step back. No PCOS?! I was grinning so hard my dimples hurt.
So! 1 hour and a lot of anal probing later, I was in a very good mood.
While checking out, I told the receptionist, “Goodness. After all that, I feel like I need a cigarette or something.”
She winked. “Tell me about. I’ll make sure they take you out to dinner next time.”
I’m pretty sure that was the best doctor visit I’ve had for a long time. And as weird as this is to say, I can’t wait to go back….
Good night folks.